Kamikazedy

Grow a beard. You, yes you, need to grow a fucking beard. I am aware that over the last year or so this has become a medium primarily approached by hipsters, professional athletes, and other sub-humans, but do yourself a favor and grow yourself a face-scarf. Not only will this genuinely make your life better, but it will also make you feel better about yourself. You will also have the respect of anyone that matters. The only argument that I’ve heard in regards to not growing one are by the people in fear of the power of the beard. That’s why I’m going to make you sit back as I dispel the top 5 arguments I have heard against growing a delicious facial badge of honor.

1. It makes me look homeless and unkempt

Does this man look homeless?

No. He looks like he’s about to tear a hole in your face simply for suggesting this, and rightfully so. Sure, you could decide to not maintain your beautiful face-garden, and that might give the impression that you don’t show regard for personal hygiene, but that goes the same way with any other part of yourself. Why do you think that society doesn’t take hippies seriously? They’re filthy. With their dreadlocked hair and questionable bouquets of body odor, there’s nothing worse than a hippie (except for maybe the people who allowed Madonna and Nicki Minaj to perform at the Super Bowl).

I know, I know. Trimming your fabulous chin bounty may be heartbreaking, but sometimes it’s a necessity. Trimming any hair is a necessary evil and is the only thing that separates us from the animals and people with mullets. Some people can get away with it or stand proudly against societal pressure, and for this, I congratulate them. However, for many of us, we need to keep our masculinity contained and trim a little along the edges. This isn’t a bad thing, but something we must consider in order to fend off the hateful eyes of a judging populace. In a perfect world, men would be allowed to let loose their facial locks without fear of reprisal. We’re getting there, but it takes time.

2. I won’t be respected as much with a beard.

That is a bald-faced lie. Throughout history, people have respected those who were able to successfully grow a beard. Even today, this fact is implied. Look at any horror or post-apocalyptic film: the ever fearful citizen seems to always flock toward the bearded man in an effort to obtain even a fragment of his sagely knowledge. This stems back to ancient times in which many philosophers and men of worth possessed beards. Epictetus states in his discourses that he would have rather have been beheaded than to strip his face of its honor. Even more respect is shown in Homer’s “The Iliad,” in which the sea nymph/goddess Thetis first touches Zeus’ beard before addressing him. If specific examples don’t float your boat, we can look at sweeping generalizations.

Vikings and pirates. Neither of which should one ever fuck with because their existence and goal in this world was simple: your life needs ruined, and I’m the man to do it. Blackbeard and Edward England. Thorfinn “Skullsplitter” Hausakljufr and Eric “Bloodaxe” Haraldsson. Clearly, the Vikings had more time dedicated to developing names to terrorize the absolute shit out of anyone they introduced themselves to, but the fact stands regardless: these men and their beards were to be respected and unless you did so (or if they felt particularly murder-y that day) you were to die beneath their beard.

As you can see from these ancient examples, beards have historically been held in high regard. “But that was so long ago. It clearly bears no relevance to today,” I hear you reply. Yes, it was, and yes, it does. One can easily see that this has had its effects on modern day America. The last president to sport any form of facial hair was William Taft in 1909. As anyone can see, it’s been a steady downhill stream of bullshit and fuckery since then.

3. I can’t grow a beard

I have heard this on so many occasions and it makes me shudder. Many times, it comes from boys (for I am loathe to call a male a “man” unless his is in clear possession of facial hair) that have not yet given their beards the necessary time to cultivate into a bountiful beard harvest. Most of the time this comes from the fact that they are afraid of the dedication and persistence it takes to grow a proper beard. Unfortunately, not many of us are blessed with perfect genetics, and so it takes some time for the beard to allow itself to fully mature. I will admit the fact that, during the time I have spent growing my beard, there was a time early on in which my face had hairless patches. Let that shit go! As the old saying goes, “Don’t cut the beard to spite the face” or something like that. For many people, those patches fill in with enough tender beardy care. Only time will tell.

I do also understand that for some people, no matter how much effort is put into it, a beard will simply not be gained. As unfortunate as this is, I do give my respect to my fallen brothers. Should you be reading this and be one who suffers from this terrible blight, consider it an opportunity. Take what facial hair you can grow and make the best of it. Below, I have included a handy little chart that will help you identify various forms of facial hair. If what you can grow doesn’t fall within this chart, congratulations! You get a beard or moustache variety named entirely after yourself! It’s like having the prestige of being the namesake of a deadly virus without having to go through all that suffering and death!

4. My girlfriend/wife won’t let me have a beard

I give you my deepest condolences for not having found a woman who respects you for your God given duty of sporting masculinity. Let me allow the folks over at The Beardly to give you a little piece of advice:

Real women love beards. There has been a recent influx, as per the last couple decades, towards a preference of men without facial hair. This is a disturbing trend but one that is very telling should you know where to look. I blame David Bowie. It was during the 70s that he and his androgyny began to storm to the forefront of the American zeitgeist. As his look became more prevalent, we began to see fewer beards in music, which led to fewer beards in entertainment, which trickled into mainstream society. No longer were we graced with the likes of Barry Gibb, Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam), Burt Reynolds, and Dusty Hill. Instead, we were left with beardless wonders and Pickup Artists.

These “Artists” that I mention are the most telling of the bunch. We have these men teaching other men the “art” of getting women. If you were to spend any time watching any of the slew of television programs centered around this idea, you would see that almost all the men concerned and seeking advice possess no beard. There’s a reason for this. I have never in my life heard a man with a beard complain about a lack of female companionship. Ever. In fact, the most bearded fellow I know is constantly receiving attention from those of the feminine persuasion simply because of his beard. The reason for this is simple:  beards are genetically sexy.

Get some of these sexy genetics.

5. My job won’t let me have a beard

Then you have the wrong job. If your employer believes that a beard lacks professionalism, you can point them over in this direction. Men with beards have been shown to be seen as more trustworthy, which is true. Would you rather put your faith in a well groomed follicle forest, or in the hands of a shady man willing to wantonly discard the natural gifts of beard bestowed upon him? If they cite “homelessness” or “lack of respect”, those arguments have already been shot down and left for dead, in much the same way as they want your beard. What do they have left to argue? Nothing.

The only profession in which a beard could be a conceivable problem would be in the military with the whole “gas mask” thing. Fuck that. Your beard leaves you invincible. And if you die in battle, prepare to enjoy the afterlife seated in Valhalla next to the likes of Thor and Odin drinking away the eons with your bearded brothers.

Think this guy gives a shit about mustard gas? Think again.